i think tonight i'll take the long way...

"there's a song that they sing when they take to the highway..."

Music is such a big part of my life, and my iPod playlist is always a reflection of my mood... On a normal day I usually just pick my "Favs" which encompasses everything I love... When I'm in a particularly fabulous mood, I click over to my "No Boys Allowed" mix which contains a large quantity of "sing-at-the-top-of-my-lungs" chick songs (which I sing at the top of my lungs).

"on the way home this car hears my confessions..."

With my job I find myself on the road more often than not, traveling to my different counties. It's not unusual for me to spend 2-3 hours a day driving, which oddly enough, I enjoy. In the past weeks, however, as Megan's condition has worsened, I discovered something interesting.

"i think the hurt set in and I don't feel nothin'..."

When I'm hurting, really hurting, I listen to the same music, the same set of artists and songs, every time. You see, ten years ago (at the age of 17) when my parents were getting divorced, it wasn't uncommon for me to drive around for hours on end - listening to Matchbox Twenty, Fuel, Alanis Morissette... Over the next several years I added a few more heartbreaks, and thus added a few more artists... there's no rhyme or reason to why these songs are in my "Mellow" playlist, except that at one point or another a lyric echoed an ache inside of me.

"another sun soaked season fades away..."

It's been almost four years since this playlist has made its way back to my ears, but about six weeks ago I welcomed it back with open arms. The power is still dynamic. There have been several nights in which I've cried myself the entire way home, but these artists, these melodies, these "lyrics" have assisted me in purging all the emotion that builds up throughout the day.

"and there's nothin' there to ease this ache..."

With that said, it's evident that I'll be listening to these songs for an undetermined amount of time. There is an ache inside of me that will only get worse before it gets better...

"there are days every now and again I pretend I'm okay..."

One of the best conversations I had with Megan was, ironically, on the way to Children's Hospital when I had to take her to the ER. We discussed music as she scrolled through my iPod and chose what we listened to during the drive. She had much to say about my lack of Toby Keith, Dirks Bentley, and other contemporary country she considered appealing - but we eventually found a few songs we could agree on (including the one and only Rascall Flatts song I like).

"You have stolen my heart..."

I told Megan that when she got a little older, I'd introduce her to Matchbox Twenty and Dashboard Confessional and some other cool bands. She looked over at me from the passenger seat with wide eyes and said, "Oh cool, so you know them?"

"this old world well don't it make you want to scream damn..."

I try hard not to dwell on the "what if's," but at this point in time they seem to just keep sneaking into my head. And damn them! they pop up at the most random moments, bringing tears to my eyes and clogging my throat. But that is what my drive home is for... I let out the day's worth of pent-up emotions, and eliminate all that I can in hopes of peaceful dreams.

"we all look like we feel..."

I fathom that many family and friends do their own purging rituals each night with similar intent... and I hope each gets the relief he or she so desperately craves...


** My cousin Megan passed away two days later

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