Two Months and I'm Still Grieving...

Today marks two months since Megan's death. Ironically, I spent the morning looking back through old photos and blog entries before realizing that today was the 2nd.

Shannon still knows her, which shocks me. The last time she saw Megan was at Relay For Life but whenever she sees a picture she cries out "Meg-meg" in delight! She is also quick to tell you who gave her the teddy bear (Meg-meg) and her Buster dog (Meg-meg). I guess it just shows how special Megan was to her.

Another surprise: We talk about Megan. We all do. A lot. After Sharon's death it was so difficult to talk about her without getting emotional, but I share so much now about Megan and Sharon in everyday conversation. My mom still has Megan as her voicemail, too, so everytime I dial my mom's cell I get to hear her sweet voice.

Part of me is still in denial... I know this. There were plenty of weeks when I'd go without seeing Megan, and I think my brain has tricked my heart into feeling as though I simply "haven't seen her." Another part knows that a lot of grieving was done before her death. Still... sometimes the lack of tears surprises me.

And at other times... like now... when they come unexpectedly... the grief overwhelms me.

I ache for the girl she was and the woman she could have been.

Some days are worse than others, a universal principle. Since I can't find a way to end this post on a positive note, I'll let someone else do it for me.

Say not in grief that she is no more
but say in thankfulness that she was
A death is not the extinguishing of a light,
but the putting out of the lamp
because the dawn has come.

- Rabindranath Tagore

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i think tonight i'll take the long way...

"there's a song that they sing when they take to the highway..."

Music is such a big part of my life, and my iPod playlist is always a reflection of my mood... On a normal day I usually just pick my "Favs" which encompasses everything I love... When I'm in a particularly fabulous mood, I click over to my "No Boys Allowed" mix which contains a large quantity of "sing-at-the-top-of-my-lungs" chick songs (which I sing at the top of my lungs).

"on the way home this car hears my confessions..."

With my job I find myself on the road more often than not, traveling to my different counties. It's not unusual for me to spend 2-3 hours a day driving, which oddly enough, I enjoy. In the past weeks, however, as Megan's condition has worsened, I discovered something interesting.

"i think the hurt set in and I don't feel nothin'..."

When I'm hurting, really hurting, I listen to the same music, the same set of artists and songs, every time. You see, ten years ago (at the age of 17) when my parents were getting divorced, it wasn't uncommon for me to drive around for hours on end - listening to Matchbox Twenty, Fuel, Alanis Morissette... Over the next several years I added a few more heartbreaks, and thus added a few more artists... there's no rhyme or reason to why these songs are in my "Mellow" playlist, except that at one point or another a lyric echoed an ache inside of me.

"another sun soaked season fades away..."

It's been almost four years since this playlist has made its way back to my ears, but about six weeks ago I welcomed it back with open arms. The power is still dynamic. There have been several nights in which I've cried myself the entire way home, but these artists, these melodies, these "lyrics" have assisted me in purging all the emotion that builds up throughout the day.

"and there's nothin' there to ease this ache..."

With that said, it's evident that I'll be listening to these songs for an undetermined amount of time. There is an ache inside of me that will only get worse before it gets better...

"there are days every now and again I pretend I'm okay..."

One of the best conversations I had with Megan was, ironically, on the way to Children's Hospital when I had to take her to the ER. We discussed music as she scrolled through my iPod and chose what we listened to during the drive. She had much to say about my lack of Toby Keith, Dirks Bentley, and other contemporary country she considered appealing - but we eventually found a few songs we could agree on (including the one and only Rascall Flatts song I like).

"You have stolen my heart..."

I told Megan that when she got a little older, I'd introduce her to Matchbox Twenty and Dashboard Confessional and some other cool bands. She looked over at me from the passenger seat with wide eyes and said, "Oh cool, so you know them?"

"this old world well don't it make you want to scream damn..."

I try hard not to dwell on the "what if's," but at this point in time they seem to just keep sneaking into my head. And damn them! they pop up at the most random moments, bringing tears to my eyes and clogging my throat. But that is what my drive home is for... I let out the day's worth of pent-up emotions, and eliminate all that I can in hopes of peaceful dreams.

"we all look like we feel..."

I fathom that many family and friends do their own purging rituals each night with similar intent... and I hope each gets the relief he or she so desperately craves...


** My cousin Megan passed away two days later

In Memory of Sharon

After battling breast cancer for the past seven years, my aunt Sharon died this past Thursday, February 22, 2007.

She left behind my uncle Gary and their three children, Ian, Bradley and Megan.

Sharon was a high school math teacher, and having been tutored by her through both high school trigonometry and college algebra, I can personally attest that she was damn good at what she did. I imagine she was a tough teacher, but her mark was made evident when 50 or more former students showed up for her funeral on Sunday.

Sharon was a mother. The past few weeks with her were spent listening to story after story of when her three children were born, experiences during their childhood, and advice for me, the new mom. If I take anything from her it will be the lessons in motherhood that she passed along.

Sharon was a wife. She and my uncle were both soul mates and best friends and they worked hard to make their marriage work.  Major family decisions were made together, right up until the end. I never heard either say a disparaging word about the other in all my life, nor did I ever see either of them angry. They took care of each other, and together took care of their family. In June they would have celebrated 25 years together.

Sharon saw the best in everyone. I never heard a negative word about another come out of her mouth. Ever. Despite whether she agreed with what others believed, she didn't judge, she didn't lecture, and she didn't criticize. She didn't gossip.  She loved unconditionally, which is the best kind of love. Her unyielding optimism, in the face of everything she endured, was a testament to the lovely person she was both inside and out.

So it is with an extremely heavy heart that I say goodbye to my aunt.  Goodbye to the woman who tried so hard to raise the math section of my ACT score; whom I named my pet rabbit after when I was five years old.  Goodbye to the woman who was just as ferocious as the rest of our family when playing cards; who for 20-something years always began our conversations with, "how's math coming?"  Goodbye to the woman who, during our last conversation, was so excited to hear that I was having a little girl… Goodbye to the woman who told me that I would make a fantastic mom.

What an amazing compliment from a truly amazing woman.  I only hope that someday I will look in the mirror and see my Aunt Sharon in myself.

Unconditional love. A wonderful wife. And above all else, a fantastic mother.

Small-Town Girl...

I grew up wanting to be anything but a small-town girl... couldn't wait to get out of this town... After high school, I lived in Jacksonville, Fla. for over four years; got to be the poor, college student (now I'm just poor!) and have the time of my life!

I met the most amazing people there...

Yet it took coming home to realize that this is where I'm supposed to be. I was meant to leave, I guess, so that I would appreciate where I came from. And now, for the first time in my life, I can truthfully say that I am completely happy. I've got the greatest husband, the most amazing friends, and a loving, supportive family... and that's all anyone can ever ask for in life.

I realize that nothing will ever be "perfect" ~ at some point my job will suck, there will be drama in my love/family/friend relationships, etc... but I'm happy.

And that's amazing...